Remember, Remember the Ides of November

I know it is a little soon of an update but a lot has happened recently that might make me feel better writing out. 

So my grandmother passed away on the 15th. Yeah, two days after my last post about my artists show for my interactive game. Seemed a little out of the blue because I thought she was too stubborn and spunky to go yet. I know the last few years of her just lying in a bed, unresponsive and needing someone to feed her, change her, and dress her was not much of a life. She had Alzheimer's and she has been deteriorating for a while now. I just didn't expect it and was more shocked by it than upset. 

Which brings me to my weird little point here. I haven't cried yet. I have a hard time crying in front of people let alone about death or loss. I mostly just have to convince myself crying over a death is not going to bring them back to life and it won't ease their soul in the afterlife. Sometimes I feel like crying over someone's death doesn't do the deceased any good, that it is more about the attachment of those they have left behind than it is able to ease their suffering. I loved my grandmother and I do miss her, I miss how spunky she was when I was a teenager. I look back on of that she has done and done for me and smile but so far, not even those happy moments can bring a tear to my eye. Sometimes I feel like I am too practical to be emotional. I think more than I feel but then there comes times where I feel way too much like when my cat disappeared and left me. I went outside and cried and yelled to the sky for that little fucker to come home. It broke my heart and left me in a state of depression that I thought might have become chronic but in the end, was the lack of support I got from certain people that really put me in that depression more than the loss of my cat. 

So, I am not sure if I will ever cry for my grandmother. I am more worried about how my mother is doing. She was close to her mother and her mother was all she had left in regards to her parents. But as my dad said, "How much easier it will be for your mother. Not having to worry or stress over Meme Tita so much and taking care of her daily. That it will be a whole new life for your mother, one that hopefully will be more at ease." And that saddens me to think that it is like putting my grandmother down, like you would a dog who has gotten too old and is suffering. That life would be better for us without her which I hate to think about but still I am left with just that heavy feeling of loss, not emotional outbursts. 

So to matters to rest, we are cremating her and in the spring going to burry her with her husband and her mother in Vermont. We already did the death certificate, the obituary on the website only, got the urn and did the paperwork and all. We just need the cremation process to be completed and the urn somewhere safe until spring. My cat left me on Nov 19th, 2 years ago. And now my grandmother left us on Nov 15. And I am not much into Thanksgiving so November is not going to be a great month for me. I feel like most of my family and friends may someday pass away closer to November than any other month. I might as well. But this month is going to be my least favorite while October and February are going to be my favorites.